I have to make a confession: when I was a kid growing up in western South Dakota, my parents told me to eat my vegetables, and I did – right from my neighbor’s garden.
I think they are still wondering why they couldn’t grow radishes back then. In fact, her radish harvest was pretty good. So were their peas, carrots, and green beans.
My current neighbors have nothing to fear; I haven’t stolen vegetables in decades. And I’m proud to report that I actually created my own garden this year.
Well, I planted three tomato plants anyway. I believe in starting small. And if I have only one vegetable in my garden, it is tomatoes. Or are tomatoes fruit? If I have only one fruit in my garden, it is tomato too.
Some people dream of cruising the Caribbean. Some dream of George Clooney or Julia Roberts. When I dream, I dream of eating freshly picked tomatoes all year round. I often sniff tomatoes from the grocery store in the dead of winter to see if they have any resemblance to their former selves. You never do.
So this year I planted my own. I put my tomato plants in large containers and pampered them by taking them to shelter when the wind was too strong or the night was too cold. I talk to them lovingly and yesterday I introduced them to some role models, a few tomatoes that are still on the vine and that I – to be honest – bought in the supermarket.
While tomatoes are my favorite, there are plenty of other vegetables I like straight from the garden. And now that I’ve given up searching the neighbor’s garden, I rely on farmers markets and not-so-subtle pointers to get my hands on them. In other words, when I ask how your garden is doing, I’m not just making idle conversations.
Fortunately, gardeners think big – too big for their own needs. I know a lot of gardeners and only a few have anything like small gardens. (Remember, my default is three tomato plants.) They always seem to have more products than they can eat, can eat, or can rot guiltlessly. I think it’s up to some of us not to garden so that those who do have someone to help them handle the fruits (and vegetables) of their job.
I am ready to help.
Some of my freeloading friends seem disappointed that the ubiquitous zucchini makes up the majority of gardening gifts. It seems that even gardeners who don’t like zucchini feel compelled to plant three rows of them every year.
I’m not sure I believe the story, but a woman once told me that residents of her tiny hometown had to lock their car doors to avoid loading their backseat with zucchini when they weren’t looking.
Another woman told me that in response to the zucchini abundance, she and her friend compete against each other in the Great Zucchini Challenge every year – an effort to use every zucchini they grow or get. They make fried zucchini, mashed zucchini, steamed and stuffed zucchini, zucchini brownies, zucchini bread, zucchini cake and so on. Remember, the rule is to use any zucchini, not necessarily every dish that the zucchini is used in.
I like zucchini – as well as zucchini brownies, zucchini bread, and zucchini cake. And just for the sake of illustration, I don’t lock my car doors.
Rapid City’s Dorothy Rosby is a syndicated humor columnist and author of several humor books, including Alexa’s a Spy and Other Things to Check Off: Humourous Essays on the Problems of Our Time. Contact them at drosby@rushmore.com
