CORAL GABLES, Fla. — A rare acoustic set by surf rock band Branch Manager was reportedly damaged by the venue’s termite problem, causing the gradual destruction of their instruments, sources confirmed.
“Oh boy it was a real photo finish in there, let me tell you. Those little bastards gobbled up my new Martin D-28 so quickly that we had to play our songs faster and faster just to record our full setlist,” said Branch Manager guitarist Tessa Brialto. “At one point I’d started a song on regular guitar, but on the bridge they shaved me down to a friggin’ ukulele! It really messed up our sound. No wood was safe. We’re never playing the Timbermill Pub again, even if they manage to rebuild it.”
A licensed exterminator was immediately called by Timbermill administration but problems arose before any work could be carried out.
“Oh jeez, I’m so sorry. I wanted to sparkle during her set, I really did. It’s just that I got caught up in their sweet, sensual island rhythms and was suddenly out of the drywall and onto the dance floor,” said dismayed pest control technician Wyland Thorpe. “It’s that surf sound, baby! It just sends me through the roof, you know! But then the stage collapsed and everyone else went through the floor. Again, I really apologize.”
The termite swarm realizes that it wasn’t even their intention to even start eating that day.
“We had just stuffed ourselves across the street at the antique furniture warehouse and were just looking for a place to let off steam,” spelled out the large, multi-bodied group of termites. “We didn’t eat their instruments because we were hungry … we ate their instruments because as a band we really, really sucked.”
“We were genuinely grateful that we don’t have ears as a species,” the swarm regrouped, adding. “Hopefully they’ll take the hint and find other ways to express themselves. We suggest carving.”
At press time, the now instrument-less store manager was still determined to tour, with their first stop: the opening of the local zoo’s new free-range carnivorous fire ant exhibit.
