Something’s in the air right now, Philadelphia. Do you feel it deep in your chest? Maybe it’s just 17 years of social distancing talk, but I’m ready to put my feelers out. You know what i’m talking about Whether you’re a newly tormented human or a recently skinned bug like me, it’s time we spread our wings. When I crawled out of the ground, the first thing I did was create an account with OkAphid. Then I posted a six hour video where I was chirping really loud. It just felt right. I’ve had no luck so far – below are some of my previous strikeouts – but I’m not giving up yet.
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Cicada: Sup.
Spotted Lantern Fly: Uh, hi. Do I know you?
Cicada: No. I was just looking in your profile.
Spotted Lantern Fly: OK what?
Cicada: You pretty.
Spotted Lantern Fly: lol srsly
Cicada: Yes. You look like Minnie Mouse’s dress is a bug. So pretty.
Spotted Lantern Fly: lol!
Cicada: Sorry. You know, I haven’t been on the scene in a while. I’m rusty.
Spotted Lantern Fly: Winter closure. I hear you.
Cicada: More like I’ve lived in the dirt underground for 17 years.
Spotted Lantern Fly: Really? To do something?
Cicada: I’m just working on myself. Personal growth.
Spotted Lantern Fly: That’s deep.
Cicada: Yes, about two meters.
Spotted Lantern Fly: Rimshot
Cicada: And then I shed my skin and now I’m here.
Spotted Lantern Fly: k
Cicada: So listen, I’m only in town for a few days …
Spotted Lantern Fly: Let’s go.
Cicada: No, it’s not like that. I just have to mate and die.
Spotted Lanternfly: I’ve heard this line before. Later.
Cicada: Sup, Shorty?
Mosquito: do you have blood?
Cicada: What? No. So. I haven’t been in the game for a while but I saw your bio say you are looking for casual get-togethers.
Mosquito: I only like blood. You have no blood?
Cicada: No.
Mosquito: You are sus.
Cicada: I don’t know what that means.
Mosquito: Unvaxed blood tastes better! Citronella is a myth! Bed bugs are perverse! Later, idiot.
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Cicada: What are you up to?
Spotted Lanternfly: You again. I’m out here right now, climbing a tree, chewing leaves and excreting harmful sugars out of my bum.
Cicada: Damn it.
Spotted Lantern Fly: Yes. What you are doing?
Cicada: Hanging out on a tire with my friends. [sends selfie]
Spotted Lantern Fly: Which One Are You?
Cicada: red eyes, wrinkled wings, obscure expression.
Spotted Lanternfly: I think you look sad.
Cicada: This is probably because I’m with my brood.
Spotted Lanternfly: is that a play on words?
Cicada: [sends shrugging insect emoji]
Spotted Lantern Fly: lol
Cicada: So do you want to get together?
Spotted Lantern Fly: You thirsty.
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Cicada: Sup. I like the whole striped look you did.
Murder Hornet: CHECK THIS. [sends unsolicited stinger pic]
Cicada: wtf
Murder Hornet: I WILL KILL YOU
Cicada: block you.
Murder Hornet: KILL YOU KILL YOU KILL
[Murder Hornet blocked]
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Cicada: What’s up, Sugarbutt?
Spotted Lantern Fly: lol. Knew I hadn’t heard the last of you.
Cicada: Listen, I want to turn you off. Like a date.
Spotted lantern fly: what to do?
Cicada: How about this: we find a nice porch light with an exposed bulb and we go crazy with it all night.
Spotted Lanternfly: Well, you are insanely horny and have no social skills, but I just can’t say no to a celebrity Clypeus.
Cicada: anger
Spotted Lantern Fly: nvm. OK. I recognize the tire, I’m only three blocks away. On the way…
Cicada: Sweet. I’ll be wearing my Live Fast, Die Young, Leave a Desiccated Corpse shirt.
Spotted Lantern Fly: I love it. Although I can fly I think that for some reason I will try to go there. Just in the middle of the sidewalk, slow as a sunset, past all the school children. I should be there in about six hours.
Cicada: Cool. See you soon! [sends happy face emoji]
Cicada: are you almost here?
Cicada: Hello.
Cicada: Hello.
Cicada: Spooky. [sends sad face emoji]
As dictated to Patrick Rapa, a Philadelphia freelance writer and accomplished insect whisperer.
