VapoRubbing out raiding rodents | Sampson Unbiased

As I write this, I am sitting under our carport, the ceiling fan turned on to reduce the 90 degree heat, and watch a squirrel. Several squirrels, in fact. I’d rather be bird watching, but the squirrels have confiscated the many feeders that my husband Steve has set up in our garden. It turns out that squirrels love almost any type of bird seed.

The only seed they don’t eat is thistle; Fortunately, our birds love it, so we usually buy it. Occasionally, however, thistle seed is not available when shopping, so let’s settle for something else. We recently came home with a fruit and nut mix that promised to attract “tits, cardinals, nuthatches, tits, jays, woodpeckers and more”. For your information, “and more” means “squirrel”.

Unfortunately, the squirrels don’t stop raiding our bird feeders. They loot our potted plants and they chewed through not one but two fuel lines from Steve’s pickup truck (and probably would have chewed through a third if we hadn’t wrapped it in a metal wrap).

I’ve heard of all sorts of squirrel deterrents and even tried a few. For example: the strategic placement of highly scented soap. I tried it and put a few chunks between my potted plants. The next morning I found that the squirrels had thrown the soap overboard and still dug up the plants – with a vengeance that suggested a bit of malice was involved. Crushed red pepper is another common recommendation, so we’ve added something to our bird seed. Did not work. Just our luck – we have squirrels who like it a bit spicy.

Some people keep squirrels away from their bird feeders by providing the squirrels with their own special feeding grounds. That seems a bit too accommodating to me. I imagine myself standing at the driveway to my driveway, wearing an orange vest and leading the squirrels into my garden, much like a park attendant steers cars into a parking lot before a big football game. On the other hand, others have suggested that taking our birdhouses down would get rid of the squirrels. Well, wouldn’t that get rid of the birds too?

We recently had success with a tactic that we had never tried before. After putting up a new shepherd’s pole and hanging two suet feeders on it, it was less than 30 minutes later that we looked out the window and saw a squirrel feasting on one of the feeders. We ran outside and shooed him away, but in no time he was climbing up the pole again. Then we tried Vicks VapoRub. We smeared Vicks the entire length of the bar. Then we watched. A squirrel approached the perch several times, but the strong smell of menthol kept driving it back. Finally he sprinted to the bar, jumped off the floor, grabbed it – and immediately slid down. He quickly pulled back and took a moment to examine his menthol-smelling paws before presumably looking for a meal elsewhere (one of our other feeders, I assume).

Certainly the Vicks looked promising, but I had to wonder how long they would be in effect. So it came about that three hours after the first application (and I’m not proud of that) I sniffed the pole to see if the menthol scent stayed strong. On the other hand, the scent had definitely lost some of its kick. On the other hand, I’m sure my neighbors were amused by my – um – disgusting behavior. What was a faint smell to me must have still been quite strong for the squirrels as they continued to dodge the perch for the rest of the day. In fact, we’ve now found that reapplying Vicks very occasionally is enough to keep the squirrels away.

I’m starting to think that the most effective solution to our squirrel problem is not to see it as a problem at all. Why not accept it or – may I say it? – even hug the bird and squirrel watch? After all, there’s no denying that squirrels can be entertaining. A small tallow cage hangs on a thin chain under the edge of our carport; We thought it was such a dangerous device that the squirrels would leave it alone. We were wrong. It’s proven to be the equivalent of the most popular ride at the State Fair, with squirrels practically queuing to take part. This is how a ride on the tallow cage works: A squirrel leaps from the branches of a nearby azalea bush; lands on the cage and lets it swing wildly; then, just as the movement subsides, it begins to stretch and contort, trying to loosen semen from the sebum, each movement sending the cage into another frenzy. Entertaining.

Wait. Wait. I spoke too early. I just saw a squirrel walk over to a planter with a red impatiens and brush each flower off one of the stems. As I walk over to check the damage, I stumble upon the shredded remains of a young watermelon vine that I was about to repot.

Question: Is Vicks available in five gallon pails?