A wasp the size of a pterodactyl stares at me through my living room window. It intermittently rams its head, then its body with brutal force to get into the house. He’s crazy. At the same time, the world’s largest bumblebee was just flying into the Siberian pea bush, waiting to attack me when I least expect it.
The insect world makes me tense. I’ve been sitting upright in a comfortable position, focusing on my current state, which is frankly not good, and trying to relax. To calm myself, I breathe in slowly and deeply through my nose and then exhale through my mouth, praying that one of the stealthy houseflies that is currently buzzing around my head doesn’t dart in my nose or throat.
I think a good scream might relax me more than deep breathing. I should probably just get out of the house for a bike ride. But it’s too hot for a bike ride. Did I mention that I have a mild headache?
Maybe I’m a little dehydrated from the heat, or maybe it’s the lavender and mint oils I sprayed on my window bars to deter the flies. The homemade natural concoction didn’t work and now my house smells like a health food store soap dish.
I don’t know where all these flies come from. Ponds with standing water, dead creatures, a hidden secret? All I know is that a female housefly can lay 500 eggs in the course of her life and a male housefly is sexually mature 16 hours after birth. I’ll do whatever I can to kill each and every one of them, including vacuuming them with a high-capacity Royal long hose canister vacuum cleaner.
“Flies hate aromatic herbs,” a garden friend told me. “Just put bunches of herbs together and they won’t come near you.” Large. That didn’t work at all.
I considered making a rosemary crown to wear on my head along with a wreath for the door. I can tell you right away: flies have no problem with rosemary. In fact, they are hugging rosemary.
I mixed a cup of vodka with two teaspoons of aloe vera juice leftover from my hand sanitizing experiments, added a teaspoon of lemon eucalyptus oil and peppermint oil, poured it into a spray bottle, and splashed away to the delight of the flies. I left the half-empty vodka bottle on the counter. One of the neighbors came by, looked at the bottle, looked at me and said, “The heat has to get to you.”
I didn’t even bother to explain.
I’ve read that flies loathe lemongrass oil. Not really.
I heard if I made a mixture of apple cider vinegar and sugar water and formed a cone out of paper, cut a 1-inch hole in the top of the cone, put the cone upside down in a glass, and the liquid didn’t touch that the flies would be mine Finding trap irresistible. They didn’t.
“There are always flies around the dry food I leave outside for the cats,” one person told me. “Maybe you could leave cat food in a jar covered with plastic wrap and secured with a rubber band. As soon as the plastic is nice and tight, poke holes in it and the flies will go straight into it. “
I do not think so. In addition, Rollo, my Shih Tzu, thinks he is a cat and would be overjoyed if I left cat food on the windowsill. More cats come to visit. More treats for him. Rollo loves flies and snaps them at a speed that would rival any lizard.
I could put lemon halves with dozens of cloves on the windowsill. They say flies hate cloves, but don’t you think ants love the sticky lemon syrup? Ants haven’t been a problem yet, but if this drought continues I expect ant-water scouting parties to pop up every day. I don’t have a grace policy towards ants. They show up at my door, they are done. I have tons of little ants that form mounds in my raspberry bushes. I’ve spared them so far, but better not to eat the raspberries.
I’m so exhausted that I’m going to the supermarket to buy some nice slices of liver. A good friend of mine suggested making a fly trap out of an old plastic bottle filled with slivers of raw liver and water. Once I made a clothes hanger out of twine, I was instructed to hang it in a safe place about 25 feet from the house and I’ll get rid of flies in no time.
“God in his wisdom made the fly / And then forgot to tell us why.” Ogden Nash wrote. I do not care. I just want to see her dead.
This summer, Doreen Tome acquired a collection of fly swatters and deet.
